spinning in circles

wow. it's been AWHILE since my last entry lol. idk, i used to blog like everyday when i had a xanga, but for some reason, now i can't seem to even write a single entry. i'm attempting to write one right now, maybe because i'm bored & i'm trying to look for every excuse possible not to study for my anatomy test tomorrow. even though i really should be studying. ayaya whatevers. so what is up with my life hmmms. let's see...

school: it sucks. plain & simple lol. i like going to school because it is something to do besides work & go home. other than that, the work sucks. anatomy sucks. i dont know if this is the right direction for me, but im really trying not to think about that because i dont know what else i would be doing if not this. my grades are excellent, except for anatomy. i HOPE i have a C right now. i really dont wanna have to repeat this class. ugh. cant deal with anymore of it.

work: omg i despise work most of the time. movie city is killing me with hours, while staples cut me off and is killing me of boredom. the people are great, im just bored with the job. i'm just waiting to get my scholarship money in january and then i'm most likely going to quit staples & hopefully find a job as a medical receptionist somewhere. they most likely have better pay & i need all that "medical" experience for this whole nursing thing. omg movie city. working with family definitely has more cons than pros here. i feel really bad about the financial situations that's been going on with them, which makes it even harder for me to say something about how i feel about the job. shiet. i can't badmouth them, they're family and i love them. they have done so much for me and i'm just gonna have to swallow my feelings & suck it up. the place might not even be around for that long anymore...sighs.

benny: i miss him. i don't miss us, but i miss him. ok that was kinda mean, lemme explain it better. when we were in a relationship, things were too complicated. i thought too much and ended up goin crazy for a time. me and him being friends is good; GREAT actually. i miss our ocnversations. i can talk to him about anything and it wouldn't even matter. it was fun. i need that right now, badly. i need something to take my mind off all the serious shiet that's going on around me. but i can't have him. it's not fair. and besides he seems REALLY busy. i thought we were ok, but i don't think so anymore. i know he really wants to be focused in school and his studies, but he used to make the time to talk to me, but not anymore. i dont know what happened, dont know what changed. but i miss it. i miss him.

billy bien (haha): omg. fuck him. fuck him to hell. i admit, the only reason i want him or even think about him is because i can't have him. lemme explain this one a lil bit better lol. stupid fucker flirted with me like CRAZY when he had a girlfriend. it went to MORE than flirting, but i wouldn't let him even reach first base because of the whole girlfriend thing. i have morals and i try to stick to them. im not gonna stoop low and be that girl on the side. fuck that. i deserve better than that. im not that emotionally attached becasue really, we just dont mesh like that. hes cool and really nice, but theres just no connection in that way. hes hott and i just wanna do stuff with him lol. so after i denied him of any action until he broke up wit his girl...he kinda got distant and i just took that as ok he realized that he doesn't wanna be an asshole and cheat on his girl cause he really loves her so hes backin off. well they broke up. so then im like hmmms now its possible. but NOOOOO of course mr. fuckin man whore over here, doesnt do ANYTHING. like wtf?! ugh stupid idiot. THEN when he has a NEW gf...he starts the whole flirting deal again. ok really seriously. what the fuck. ugh, whatever. he sucks.

brad: shiet. alcohol is baddddddd lol. last friday, i got a bit tipsy/drunk and he was over. we got into an argument/confrontation type of deal. it all started with him just bringin up the whole "i wanna join the army" deal the day before. i didn't really know what to say and he took that as me not supporting him or whatever. so we were arguin about that and then old issues got brought up. ugh... what the fuck. he wants me to be honest with him when he cant do the same with me. how fuckin fair is that?! he says he cares about me a lot more than i think and that all the thoughts that go through my head also goes through in his. yeah right. fuck that. how am i really suppose to believe that? i think that he just says those things cause he thinks i cant handle the truth. he thinks that if he tells me that i was right all along about all those assumations that i have about his feelings, ill be hurt and be an emotional wreck. well i wont be. its hurting me more with him saying those things. i cant believe him. i cant. if i start to...ill hope. and i cant hope. i told him there was no point in me pouring my heart out to him again because hes just gonna say the same thing he said last time. then im gonna agree with him and feel stupid & rejected because i was honest with him. he cant be honest with me. thats not fair. he ended the conversation by saying that he needs to "think" about things. he said the conversation is not finished, but i think it is. i am damn hell sure not gonna bring it up and i highly doubt that he will. idk, we were ok after that despite our unfinished issues, but then again i haven't spoken to him since sat. morning when he left the house.

yeah...i think i need to STAY AWAY from guys whose names start with the LETTER B! lesson of the day lol. shiet its midnight. i really should start studying. stupid fuckin anatomy. after this class, im gonna burn this damn anatomy book. it's worth the $100 that i spent on it to fuckin spread its fuckin ashes in the fuckin toilet.